News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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