Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
