someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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