is your mom at the bar?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The ass gains better be worth it
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