ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
