My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
