I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
