My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
