This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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