Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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