My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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