I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
