have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
