i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
