I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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