Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
