So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
