nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sobbing to NWA
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
