If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
So squirting runs in the family.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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