I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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