Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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