I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
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All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
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I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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