i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
