the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize