Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
