theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
