What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
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