Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
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Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP