My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
