So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
