fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
