who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My pussy is not your playground.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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