Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
