She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
