Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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