Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
