omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
