Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize