Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
