It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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