Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
