You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
