you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
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Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
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I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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