We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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