You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Come on in and take your pants off
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