I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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