You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
