I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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