I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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