I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
