Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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