i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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