Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
