you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
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Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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