You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
