So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
