Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
