At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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