Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
